


The Love of My Life When...

by nazyalenskyism



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Longing, a modern au, angst with a happy ending... eventually, based on the song 21
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:27:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27363496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nazyalenskyism/pseuds/nazyalenskyism
Summary: Zoya broke things off to protect them both, or at least that's what she told herself. As the weeks pass and she reflects on her time with Nikolai, things don't appear to be as black and white as they once had.Nikolai thought that this time would be different, that he had finally foundthe one. After Zoya left, no matter how hard he tried to move on, he couldn't.Through memories and lingering interactions will the two will find it in themselves to find their way back to one another?
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 28
Kudos: 57





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song '21' by Gracie Abrams. This chapter is part 1 of 7! I hope you enjoy, and as always comments are really appreciated <3

_**I missed your twenty-first birthday**_

_**I've been up at home** _

_**Almost tried to call you, don't know if I should** _

_**Hate to picture you half-drunk happy** _

_**Hate to think you went out without me** _

“We met on your twenty-first birthday.”

“Wrong. It was the day after my birthday.”

Zoya in the video gaped at the phone in his hand, “That’s the same thing! You were born at 10 pm, I met you at 10 am the next morning, that’s within twenty four hours of your birth.” 

“Funny, I didn’t know birthday’s worked like that,” Nikolai jested, tugging playfully at a coil of her hair as she scowled at him. “You glided into my life like a stormy angel, but you were a miracle that was just a day late. Promise me no more missing my birthday.”

“You’re such a child,” Zoya huffed, “I didn’t even know you then.”

“Promise me Zoya, you know how important birthdays are.” She recognized the hesitation in video-Zoya’s eyes, she had been afraid of promises like that, no matter how silly they were. She didn’t want to promise him forever when she knew she wouldn’t be able to deliver it. But then she’d thought, _‘he’s not trying to marry you, just do it, it’s a stupid promise he’ll forget about in the morning. It means nothing.’_ And so Zoya rolled her eyes and said, “fine. I promise I won’t miss your birthday,” smiling when Nikolai did.

_‘There was only one problem with that,’_ future Zoya thought, the only problem was that she’d broken her promise, like she’d known she would. Nikolai’s 21st birthday had led her to years of slowly letting down her walls, helping him let down his. They had been good years, she knew that, but she had also known it wouldn't last, it wouldn’t last. And that’s why she ended it. Now three years later, two weeks after she’d called it off her finger hovered over the phone m, debating whether she should call him or not. It was his birthday, it meant so much to him but at the same time he probably hated her, and didn’t want to hear from her. _‘What do you want me to do, Nikolai?’_ She switched apps quickly to Instagram, shaking out her head, her pride, her fear, whatever name she gave it today wouldn't let her do it. 

Instantly she regretted opening her social media. She usually had a girls night with her friends on Fridays, but today that wasn't the case. All her friends were his friends too-- and so the first photo that popped up on her feed was Genya’s, a picture of the birthday boy looking carefree and goofy, a drunken smile plastered onto his face. _‘He looks happy.’_ She thought, the blow of seeing his face stinging behind her eyes. His messy hair and loose tie reminded her of the nights they’d spent on the roof of his apartment building, talking for hours, neither of them wanting to be the one who ended the night. The thoughts, _‘maybe I should’ve sent him a happy birthday text,’_ and _‘he’s celebrating without me, that smile isn’t for me, he left me,’_ jumbled together in Zoya’s head. He wouldn’t want to hear from her of all people, and why would he want her by his side? They were broken up, because of her, as they should be. Everyone else had accepted it, _she_ had accepted it. So why did the rest of her body betray her, longing even when her mind denied any more attachment?

She burrowed into the pillows on her sofa, heart heavy against her chest. It had been weeks, the promise she’d made him in that video was a joke, she doubted he even remembered. She shouldn’t care, he wasn’t in her life anymore, like she’d wanted. Yet the loss of her best friend still lodged inside of her, refusing to let her be at ease. Her first glass wine emptied down to the dregs. And then her second. And then her fifth, until she felt tendrils of sleep tugging her into oblivion. 


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 is here! Some of these parts will be a bit shorter, and others a bit longer. This is one of the shorter ones. Thank you so much for reading <3

**_I'm sorry if you blame me if I were you I would  
Thought you'd see it coming, but you never could_ **

__

__

_‘I’m sorry, Nikolai. This is my fault.’_ That was the last text she was going to send him after they broke up, but she’d never been able to hit send. It had been her fault and hers alone but she couldn’t send it. She couldn’t bear to be left on read, or for him to respond, what if he did? What if he told her that he missed her… or that he understood the breakup and was okay with it now? Zoya didn’t want to face either of those possibilities, so she took the route which insured the least amount of pain. She never hit send, but the draft stayed in her messages, it haunted her at night. _‘What if…”_

She was scared, but she had always known she wouldn’t be able to stay forever. He’d known that too, Nikolai had never pushed her and so she’d let herself get comfortable, let her forget herself and who she was. But in the end her past had caught up to her, and she had to leave. She thought he would’ve known-- that he would’ve seen it coming, but he had fallen hard, letting his foolish heart outpace his clever mind. Zoya cared about him, more than almost anyone she’d ever known, and she wanted him to be happy. How happy could he be, planning for eternity with a girl who couldn’t make that guarantee? 

“I’ve never had anything serious before,” she’d whispered one night after her friends had left the party, leaving her to clean up the mess. But of course Nikolai had stayed to help, no matter the fact that he’d been up for almost 70 hours, had flown across the country for her university graduation.

“Neither have I. There was one time where I had thought we could’ve been something great, but we never got to try.” 

Zoya captured his hand in hers, “do you think we could be something?” 

Nikolai smiled wearily but his eyes shone with affection, “I think we already are, Nazyalensky.” 

“Shut up,” she mumbled, but she had been too tired to chide him. Nikolai’s idea was dangerous, but her heart had been too full that night to think about it. Instead she’d let him tug her onto the sofa, promising stories from his latest adventures that he’d yet to tell her. He had fallen asleep five minutes after his head hit the pillows, his arms wrapped tight around her, the warmth of his embrace, the kindness of his actions, and the steadfast beat of his heart lulling her to sleep.


	3. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoya runs in to Nikolai for the first time since their breakup. _What's the worst that can happen, **right?**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's Part 3! Thank you so much for reading <3

**_I see the look in your eye and I'm biting my tongue_ **

“David!” At this wife’s voice, David waved them over while continuing his conversation with the strangers whose backs were to them. Genya tugged at Zoya’s hand pulling her along. She’d been yanking her along all day, decreeing that Zoya needed to get out of the house. She hadn’t met with any of her friends in a few weeks— she hadn’t wanted to. They would’ve asked about Nikolai, why she broke it off, and she couldn’t bring herself to talk about it, to think about it more than she already did, especially after that phone call. But today Genya had dragged her out of the house, promising they didn’t have to talk about anything Zoya didn’t want to talk about, as long as she came out for the day. She hadn’t had a choice and so she’d agreed.

“Genya,” the man said as he began to turn around. Zoya froze, she would recognize that voice anywhere. Panic thrummed through her veins, _‘shit.’_ “How are you?” his eyes widened when he saw her, the briefest pause in his demeanor before he smiled at them both, though it didn’t reach his eyes. 

“Nikolai?” Zoya stared at him, she was Zoya Nazyalensky, she didn’t freeze. But at this moment, she was very much frozen to the spot. She tried to close her mouth, knowing that Nikolai was a master of conversation, and if she could count on anything, it was that he and Genya would be able to steer this disaster away from any more awkwardness. 

The woman beside Nikolai cleared her throat, smiling at them. “Oh,” Nikolai said, “this is Linnea, she’s my--”

“We’re friends,” Linnea grinned, and Nikolai nodded along, looking slightly uncomfortable for a millisecond before his usual pleasant demeanor washed over his features. 

“Yeah, she’s staying with me while she’s in town.” Zoya blinked, _‘is she his new girlfriend?’_ She took in a deep breath, it didn’t matter. They were over, and Nikolai was handsome, rich, smart, charming, of course he would have moved on by now. Nikolai was easy to love, that’s what people said to her when he charmed them at parties, and he had a lot of love to give others. It made sense that he would have found new people to love, and she was okay with that, wasn’t she? That phone call had been a drunk dial, and obviously sober Nikolai felt very differently than his intoxicated counterpart. _Either way it doesn’t matter,_ she told herself, but her chest still stuck, remembering wiping away the wetness on her cheeks after he’d hung up the phone. Zoya bit her tongue, forcing herself to nod along as Genya and Linnea gushed about something or the other, feeling Nikolai’s gaze occasionally on her while he spoke to David. Relief had never felt as sweet as the moment that Genya tugged her and David along, remembering suddenly that they were about to be late to their appointment to pick up Tamar and Nadia’s rings for their wedding.

She shot one last glance over her shoulder as they walked away, but Nikolai’s eyes were closed, a crease between his brows. A frown tugged at her lips, was he okay? He looked troubled and he never showed his emotions in public unless they served a purpose. _‘It’s not your concern anymore,’_ she chided herself, turning back to her friends. Genya gave her a funny look, glancing back at Nikolai before whispering conspiratorially in David’s ear. Walking away from Nikolai, Zoya didn’t feel the tightness in her chest fade, instead she felt something like loss being to wind its way through her. _‘He’s moved on,’_ she thought, _‘it’s time that you do too.’_

***

“That went terribly,” Nikolai groaned, he fought to keep the misery out of his tone, but that didn’t stop it from weighing on his heart. He had loved her, and he knew he still did as much as he tried to clinically cut those feelings out of his chest. Any hope he’d had of Zoya regretting her decision, still having feelings for him were now dashed. She had been as indifferent as she had been when they’d broken up, and that day on the phone as she was today when Linnea had spoken.

“Why? Your friends seemed nice, and that black haired girl was gorgeous!” 

He scrubbed a hand over his face before he addressed his sister, “that was Zoya.”

“That was Zoya?” Linnea was wide-eyed, “Nikolai, you should’ve told me, I would’ve said something. But how does Zoya not know?”

“She knows of you, but she doesn’t know your name, she never asked because she knew it was hard for me to talk about it given everything.” He and his half-sister couldn’t afford for people to know they were related, his parents had tried everything within their power to bury anything that hinted at Nikolai’s paternity, and Zoya had understood that he couldn’t talk about it, and she had been okay with that, she had nodded when he’d told her, squeezing his hand, and nodding quietly. She had known that he didn’t want apologies or reassurances, just company as he got the truth off his chest. Zoya had never asked him for more, but he’d always wanted to give it to her. He’d been ready to give it to her, but then she walked away from it all before he had a chance.

“Oh Nikolai, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he smiled sadly. “She said it was over, and she’s never given me a reason to think she still-- that she regretted what happened. She doesn’t regret her choices and it was silly of me to think that this-- that I was the exception.”

She’d told him that she had never loved him, and as hard as that had been to swallow, here he was, weeks later, feeling like he’d finally let her go. Until she’d shown up, and he felt as though he’d been struck in the chest. He’d never felt longing like that before. Nikolai had wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms like he used to, while she ran her fingers through his hair talking about how everyone around her ruined everything unless she was there to clean up their messes. He wanted nothing more than to wake up, these last few weeks had to have been a terrible dream. But no matter how much he pinched himself, his eyes opened, and she was gone once again, and he was as alone as he had been before the storm that was Zoya Nazyalensky had brought some light into his solitary days. 

Linnea looped her arm through his, jolting him out of his thoughts. “So, where are we headed now, your place?” At his nod she began leading the way, dragging him along, “so, what were you saying about your friends’ wedding? Do you think Zoya will be there too? Do you think you can win her back? I know a few things about winning back the ladies, my last partner actually took me back after I broke into the--”

Nikolai shook his head as he listened to his sister’s antics. He couldn’t get Zoya out of his mind. Was he reaching, or had he heard a note of hope when she’d said his name? As ridiculous as Linnea’s stories were, he couldn’t help but hold onto the silly idea that maybe, just maybe Tamar and Nadia’s wedding held an opportunity to see Zoya again, if nothing else. And he would gladly listen to a thousand of Linnea’s outlandish stories if it brought him closer to the moment where he might hear Zoya’s voice say his name like that again. He knew he was foolish for hoping, but it was what he did best and for Zoya, he’d never give her anything less than his best.


	4. Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoya reflects on her time with Nikolai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part 4! Thank you for keeping up with this story, writing it has been so much fun and I hope that reading it has been enjoyable too. All the comments and feedback have been so kind and I love reading them, thanks again! <3

**_You'd be the love of my life when I was young_ **

She tried going out again, she used dating apps, tried going to bars, but in the end she couldn’t get past a few minutes of flirting before she felt sick. Something acidic like betrayal rose in her throat, which was ridiculous. She didn’t belong to anyone, she owed no one anything, she had broken up with Nikolai weeks ago… then why was it so hard for her to move on? Zoya would do anything to shut her feelings in a box and light the box on fire, it was what she usually did, but no one had ever lingered in her life like _this._ Every night she went out, trying to forget him. She heard his voice in the songs playing over the speakers, remembering the nights he’d twirled her around the dancefloor at their friends’ weddings, singing into her ear for the whole night. She would see a flash of gold and remember his sunlit hair in the mornings, disheveled on the pillow next to her. _‘One day,’_ she resolved, _‘one day I’ll look back on this, and it won’t hurt anymore.’_

Tonight she flicked through a scrapbook Genya had put together for her birthday, the sections were taken up by photos and messages from her friends, and Nikolai had decided to take up 10 pages for himself. Her fingers skimmed over the captions jotted under the pictures, a particular one catching her eye. It was a picture Tolya had snuck of them, during a night out as a group. Zoya’s back was to the camera, but the focus of the shot was Nikolai’s face. He rarely let down his guard, but for a split second, Tolya had managed to capture the naked adoration on his face. He didn’t look at her the way other men did, regarding her beauty. He looked at her like she hung the stars in the sky, but it was more than that. The spark in his eyes conveyed that didn’t just see her, but that he knew her. Or at least he thought he did at the time. He hadn’t been able to anticipate her leaving. As much as she shook her head at his lack of awareness, she couldn’t help but wonder who the true fool was.

The caption read, _“the light of my life.”_ He knew her aversion to love, and although he’d simply swapped out _love_ for something more palatable for her, she knew what his words meant, regardless. A sad smile tugged at her lips, she could imagine him hunched over his desk with craft supplies, meticulously gluing down each page, perfecting it for her. He always boasted about how he was the best gift-giver, and he was right, after years of birthday weeks in her honour, she could give him that much. More than anything, Nikolai had always gone out of his way to remind her of how much he enjoyed being her partner, her equal. He and his friends joked about how he worshiped the ground she walked on, but it was always more than that. He’d respected her and what she wanted before all else. The only problem was that it seemed now that he was a little too good at that. Noble until the end he was, her golden prince.

 _‘Oh Nikolai,’_ she thought mournfully, fingers trailing along years of memories, each picture threatening to pull her back into another lifetime. _‘You’d be the love of my life when I was young.’_ And she knew what he’d say in response if he were here beside her. The same words he hadn’t been able to say to her before she’d walked out the door. _‘Zoya, you **were** the love of my life.’ _ Slipping the book under the empty pillow next to her, she felt the absence of him more than ever. Even though she knew it wasn’t the case any longer, _‘what does it matter to you that Nikolai doesn’t feel that way any more?’_ for reasons beyond her, it still hurt just the same.


	5. Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The call that neither of them wanted to make reminds them of their favourite moments together. And maybe, just maybe, they begin to realize what they want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this part in my drafts for a while -- and here it finally is! Hopefully another step closer to Nikolai and Zoya realizing how they feel.

**_Audrey said she saw you out past twelve o'clock_  
Just because you're hurting doesn't mean I'm not  
If it doesn't go away by the time I turn thirty  
I made a mistake and I'll tell you I'm sorry  
"Sorry" **

“Ugh,” Zoya groaned, peeling off her shiny silver heels, collapsing in her favourite armchair. It had been an exhausting night, they had been putting together some of the final details for Tamar and Nadia’s wedding, as it was in two weeks. Of course, that had only been the first half of the night, the second had involved going to the club. Zoya threw a blanket over herself, considering sleeping in the chair, that was how tired she was.

Before she could nod off however, there was one last thing she had to do. Calling Nikolai after the disaster in the park, seemed like the worst idea she could fathom. She knew Genya was the one who’d orchestrated the whole thing. Setting her and Nikolai up to be partners for the whole wedding weekend. She would have to share her duties with him, walk down the aisle with him at the end of the wedding, be his partner for the ridiculous flashmob Tamar had planned as a surprise to Nadia and the even more ridiculous flashmob Nadia had planned as a surprise to Tamar. Because that totally wasn’t going to end in flames. She didn’t want to do this, but she had to. It wasn’t for her, it was for her friends, and she would do this, even if she would much rather do anything else in the world. At least the drinks at the bar had lowered her inhibitions to the point that she could do this without wanting to cry. That’s how she usually felt when Nikolai was mentioned these days. 

“Come on Koja,” she called, smiling softly at the grey cat who jumped into her lap, curling contentedly under Zoya’s loving stroke of her soft head. Koja had been yet another gift from Nikolai’s birthday week celebrations for her. Zoya let out a small laugh, remembering how excited he’d been to give her the cat, how infectious his joy was. He was amiable with everyone, but he never let anyone see his true goofiness but her. She missed a lot of things that she tried to pretend she didn’t, but most of all she missed _him._ Some days she missed him so much she felt like it was breaking her from the inside out. She knew she would be fine without him, but as each day passed, she had to wonder, _‘did she want to be without him?’_

No. Her decision was final. She was Zoya Nazyalensky and she would not change her mind, no matter what her traitorous heart said. She would not back away from her duties, especially not after Genya had spammed her with 21 texts and 12 calls all telling her to, _“Nazyalensky up and just call Nikolai already.”_

“Well Koja, time to call Nikolai,” she murmured, feeling a pang in her chest as the cat’s ears perked up at the sound of her favourite person’s name. “I can do this.” 

***

“Ugh,” Nikolai groaned, collapsing into the hammock in front of his bedroom’s window, overlooking the city and the edges of the bay. He usually slept in his bed, but on nights where he particularly missed the sea, he would sleep in the hammock, the gentle rocking and distant view of the water helping him fall asleep. A soft whine sounded from the floor and Nikolai saw his puppy, Sobachka pouting up at him, clearly wanting to sleep on top of his owner, as usual. He was lucky he was still a puppy, if he were any bigger he would’ve crushed Nikolai in his sleep or tumbled out of his hanging bed. He sighed, knowing he didn’t have it in him to reject the dog’s pleas tonight. He settled back into a comfortable position, Sobachka’s floppy gold ears resting beneath his chin. Nikolai wanted nothing more than to go to sleep after an exhausting day of gathering things for the wedding. Unfortunately, he had one more thing to take care of tonight. He opened his phone, gathering his courage to call before he saw a slew of notifications for his Instagram dms, all from someone named Audrey who he vaguely remembered going to uni with.

__

_‘Nikolai! It’s Audrey.’_

_‘I think I saw Zoya at the club tonight’_

_‘She was wearing silver and black’_

_‘You guys aren’t still together, right?’_

_‘Anyways she was there with some guy? look at this pic, it was 1:30 am.’_

__

Attached to the last message was an image that Nikolai clicked and when he zoomed in, he saw that it was taken at a club, Zoya wearing a slinky silver dress, her hand on the shoulder of a tall guy in a suit, trailing him out of the club. He let out a sigh. He hadn’t thought Zoya would move on from them so quickly, but regardless of that, he knew he ought to be happy that she was happy. No matter what, he wanted that for her. Although… as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t. He wasn’t jealous, there was nothing to be jealous about, she wasn’t his and he wasn’t hers, but he just wanted… he wanted what he could never have. And he was a fool for that.

Sobachka barked at the ringing of the phone, and Nikolai frowned, had she read his mind? “Hi.”

“Lantsov, Genya says we need to go over our duties for the wedding.”

“And you want to do that now? At almost 3 AM? How did you even know if I would be awake?”

“Oh please, you and David were helping Nadia with something sciencey tonight, and you never sleep well, not without—” she stopped mid sentence, realizing that this time _she_ was the one who’d let something slip. 

He had trouble sleeping, he always had, and for some reason, he’d found that if he played piano before bed, it almost always helped him sleep. He had his own piano room at his place, but Zoya had bought him a keyboard for when he stayed at her’s. 

“How do you know I haven’t played tonight?” he asked, attempting to gloss over the awkward pause.

“Please, Nadia texted me when she dropped you both off home, and if you played the piano at 3 AM your stupid neighbour would’ve called ME complaining and telling you to shut up.”

“That’s fair,” he sighed. “So… what were you up to before this? Out at the club?” Oh, he hadn’t meant to blurt that out. Maybe his lack of sleep was affecting him. 

“Tamar actually— wait how did you know that?”

He hesitated, “I saw you walking out of the club with some guy in a suit.”

“Some guy?”

“Some guy,” he confirmed.

“You IDIOT that was TOLYA.” 

Nikolai let out a dry laugh, “and that’s what I get for paying attention to Audrey.” 

“Audrey? I think she tried to get me to join her pyramid scheme… she only stopped when I pretended to be a part of another one and tried to recruit her.”

“Intriguing! And what were the results?”

“She blocked me on all social media, tried to convince Genya that I was going to steal David and that I stole Adrik from her.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah.”

“So about the rehearsal dinner—”

“Lantsov,” he heard her take in a deep breath, “I know this might be hard for you… but don’t you think it was hard for me too?”

“You cut things off so easily, I didn't think that it was,” he said slowly. He didn’t know what had brought on Zoya’s forthcoming mood but he wasn’t about to ruin it.

“It’s not easy for me! Seeing you out with other people… I’m hurting too,” she finished sharply, and Nikolai felt his throat tighten, his careful attitude flying out the window. 

“What if this was a mistake? What if the reason you’re unhappy is because this isn’t what you wanted?” 

After a long pause, Zoya spoke up again, “No. It was the right thing to do. I’m not changing my mind. If, by the time I’m 30, I somehow regret it, I’ll tell you I’m sorry. But it won’t matter then, Nikolai, because you’ll be married and happy and living the life you were supposed to have before you met me.” 

He didn’t have anything to say to that.

Zoya waited for Nikolai to say something, and was surprised when all he said was, “okay, Zoya. So for the rehearsal dinner, I was thinking I could set up my stuff at 5, and you can start at 6, since I’m driving up first. That leaves us enough time to double check everything before the dinner. Then for the ceremony, you’re walking in with Nadia, we just have to practice walking out, and how we’re setting up the reception. Genya said she’s going to email all that to us in the morning.” 

“That sounds good,” she said.

“Good. Well, I guess that’s it then. I should—”

“Wait. Nikolai…” she didn’t know what to say… she just wanted to say something to him, something to let him know how she felt, but she couldn’t find the right words.

“I know, Zoya,” and she could imagine him smiling softly, despite how she continued to step on his heart. “I know. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” she echoed faintly, waiting until the line clicked on his end to bring the phone back to her face and whisper, “sorry,” a quiet sob shaking her body.

***

Nikolai pulled a hand through his hair, even more confused than before. Everything Zoya said was what he expected her to say— but her behaviour confused him, and if he didn’t know any better he would think that she didn’t want to still be broken up. But if there was anything he could rely on, it was that she was Zoya Nazyalensky, and she wouldn’t change her mind. Still, that didn’t stop him from remembering what it had been like before all this.

The way she used to put her head on his chest as the hammock rocked. How he used to tell her stories about the sea and the year he’d spent on a boat with Tolya and Tamar before he’d met her. She always wanted to know more about the lives he’d lived, and in return for his stories, she would whisper secrets in his ear, not even trusting the wind as much as she trusted him. Some nights, curled in the hammock, Zoya would point out the constellations, teaching him what her aunt had taught her, while other nights, she would clear out the furniture in her living room and demand, with her hands on her hips, that Nikolai teach her how to dance--she refused to let him excel in something she knew she could best him in. And so he’d taught her. And in return, she’d taught him how to ice skate, the one thing he had never tried, holding his hands the entire time, regardless of how much she’d teased him. He had been terrible, utterly terrible, but as he’d watched Zoya skate perfectly backwards, all while helping him, he had realized that he would never find this again. **_This was it for him. She was it for him._**

His hopeless heart had only gotten ensnared worse when he’d made her a traditional dish he’d learned about in Russia, the only thing he knew how to cook well, and she had looked at him with so much ferocity, wanting to know how to cook it for herself. She was a worse cook than him, and had never quite managed it, despite his teachings. So she would call him whenever she was stressed and wanted her comfort food, although she never said that, he could always tell. She’d come to rely on him, trust him, in the same way he had relied on her, trusted her. He’d given her his heart-- but in the end he had been mistaken. His heart was closely guarded and despite Zoya’s warnings not to, he’d given himself to her completely. The pain he felt now was his own fault, and he didn’t know if it would ever truly go away.

***

Zoya couldn’t sleep either, and no piano melody would help bring her closer to it either. On the nights she could sleep, she found herself in the same situation, she dreamed of him, and only him. The press of his fingers against her arms when he steadied her after she’d drank too much. Warm kisses to her head when she was sick and couldn’t leave the bed, or protest his soft actions. His calloused fingers brushing back her hair in the moments after she shared her frustrations. The distance he stumbled back— as if he’d been struck in the chest when she had said she couldn’t do it anymore. The distance from his apartment, where she’d stayed each night to her own, cold and alone on the other side of town. The hurt in his eyes when she’d twisted the knife further, saying that she would have never been able to care for him— love him in the way he did for her. The pain that passed over his otherwise neutral features when he’d realized that she was yet another person who he’d let himself love, only for his love to never be reciprocated. The boy he’d shown her, who collected scars he didn’t deserve, retreated back into a man who had a collection of scars whose stories she would spend a lifetime forgetting. Whose hands she would spend a lifetime trying to forget. Whose love she would spend forever mourning. For all that she’d said to Nikolai to make him forget her, she was beginning to realize that if Nikolai would have her back, she would gladly go.

“Sorry,” she repeated softly, even though he couldn’t hear her, she vowed that she _would_ make things right, even if he didn’t want her again, she knew she owed him that much. She was Zoya Nazyalensky and she wanted to change her mind, to listen to what her traitorous heart said, but only if that’s what he wanted too.


	6. Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoya gets a call from the last person she wants to be talking to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since the last update and I'm sorry about that. I actually forgot that I had Part 6 ready, formatted and sitting in my drafts, so here you go! I also forgot how much I enjoyed writing this story and I hope that you enjoy reading this part ❤️.

**Sometimes I go blurry-eyed**  
**Small talk and you tell me that you're on fire**  
**Lights on and it's black and white, I couldn't stay forever**

“What?” Zoya hissed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Who was calling her at, she glanced at the clock, 3 A.M.? 

“You’ve forgotten me already?”

“Nikolai?” She was so incredulous that she forgot to call him by anything other than his name, bolting upright in bed.

“Zoyaaa!”

She blinked, “are you drunk?” 

“No. Maybe… a little?” Zoya shook her head, how was this her problem? She reached to end the call when she was stopped by a sudden rush of words.

“Pleasedon’thangup.” She hesitated, she _had_ been about to end the call, but, even if Nikolai had only been a little drunk, he would’ve never asked her to stay on the line, which meant he must be completely wasted. To her knowledge, he’d never gotten this drunk, and she was a little worried.

“Why did you call me, Nikolai?” Zoya asked wearily.

“Tolya’s coming toget me and he saidtotalk to someone until he gets hereeee.” 

She considered this, if Tolya thought Nikolai should stay on the line with someone that must mean that Nikolai was too out of it to be left unattended. 

“Okay Nikolai, what are you doing right now?” She waited for nearly a minute before she heard Nikolai’s voice, more sober sounding than it had been before.

“I’m waiting for Tolya at Lazlayon.”

She groaned before she could stop herself, “not Kirigin’s? Bad call Lantsov.”

He let out a chuckle, “I designed the bar, I was his first investor and I get free drinks… I think it’s ergonomical to go.”

“Economical?” She felt a smile tug at her lips, despite herself. 

“Aye, there’s the rub!”

“Drunk quoting Hamlet now, are we?” 

“How well you know me, Zoya dea--” he cut himself off abruptly but she caught what he’d almost said, **_Zoya dearest._** _He doesn’t mean anything by it, he’s drunk and it just slipped out, it’s just an old habit._ But it being instinctual didn’t stop her breath from catching. It hadn’t been that long, but she hadn’t realized the warmth that his casual terms of endearment had brought her. A cool wave of shame followed the heat today, she couldn’t let herself be affected by him. _It’s over_ Zoya reminded herself… but if it was over then why didn’t her body respond in the same way as her mind?

She heard a sharp inhale before Nikolai broke the silence. “Why did you leave? Zoya… every time I try to understand it, I can’t. We were happy weren’t we?” he huffed out a breath, “from the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep, it’s like you haunt me. Even when I close my eyes, you’re still there. You give me that look, the _’Nikolai, shut up, you idiot’_ look, and it burns as much as it always did. One look from you, even the memory of you and I’m on fire,” a humorless laugh choked out, “why did you leave?” he repeated.

“I—I told you from the start, I couldn’t stay forever.” 

“Why Zoya?” he said quietly, “Because I wasn’t worth forever? Because we weren’t?”

She felt the walls close in, he was repeating what he’d said to her on the night they’d broken up, sounding just as broken as he had when she’d closed the door on them. “Nothing lasts forever Nikolai, I was just facing the music before it got to us first.”

“That’s not an answer,” a rustle on the line told her he was running his hand through his hair in frustration. She slammed her eyes shut, trying to combat the endearment that always flared up when he did that. Was she really this weak, brought to her knees by an attachment that she severed weeks ago? Or was it just a side effect of being sleep deprived and on the phone with her ex at 3 A.M.? She shook her head, she couldn’t do this anymore.

“What do you want me to say? I broke up with you because I don’t-- I didn’t love you.” She refused to wince at her words. She refused to wince at his sharp intake of breath, at the silence that followed. He had never told her that he loved her, he had known her issue with the words, and so even if he’d felt that way, he’d spared her from the need to reciprocate. She knew that he had loved her, or at least thought that he did… but had he truly expected her to love him? She had told him from the start that she wasn’t capable of loving, not like that. And he’d accepted it with open arms, just like the parts of herself everyone else turned away. All it told her now, however, was that he was more a fool than she’d originally thought, letting his heart fall into her unintentional clutch. Zoya couldn’t give it back, even though she wanted to. It was his and he needed to let her go.

“Tolya’s here. I should go.” The flatness of his voice was punctuated by the abrupt ending of the call, and Zoya sat there, her phone still clutched against her face, eyes burning, as she stared blankly at the wall. She hadn’t been in love, but if that was true then why did she feel like she was falling apart? Zoya heaved one breath, and then two, repeating to herself that she was okay as the silent tears rained down, staining her cheeks with her emotions she couldn’t name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking around this long! If you ever have any prompts or want to talk, send me a message at nazyalenskyism.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is nazyalenskyism.tumblr.com if you want to send prompts or questions, etc. <3


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